Translations
for use with the "Haynes Book of
Fibs":
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat
repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering
size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Christ what was that, it
nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now
fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet
part.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till
the veins on your forehead are throbbing then
re-check the manual because this can not be
'lightly' what you are doing now.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to
be!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how
did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do
this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle
number... but you also thought the wiring
diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in
fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Maestro's are easy to maintain
right... right? So you think three Maestro
spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two
spanner job.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are NOT seriously considering
this are you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in
it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own
special tool like this...
Translation:
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump
up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage
wall, then search in the dark corner of the
garage, whilst muttering "bugger"
repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend
you know what you are looking at, then declare
in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep,
as I thought, it's going to need a new
one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical
blob of rust...
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in
front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with
the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine
afterwards will be much harder. Once that
sinking pit of your stomach feeling has
subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed
as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to
removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box
is NOT a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card &
Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and
huffing isn't moderate heat!
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book
bar the thing you want to do!
With
thanks to Ian Mathews
